My Jokes Collection :)

[izenhower]

You will Laugh until you die this time, cause what you are about to read is unusual. I came with the most shoking jokes ever and a brand new one. I am sure that you will visit this thread more then once and you will give me karma for each joke ;D

Are you Ready...!!!

How to use the word F*CK
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Never marry a programmer

NEVER..EVER Marry a programmer And that's true story to explain why:

Husband (Coming late from work): Good Evening honey, I'm Logged in...
Wife: Have you bought the stuff I told you about?
Husband: Bad Command or file name
Wife: But I reminded you this morning!
Husband: Syntax Error!, Abort?
Wife: Ok, but what about the car you promised to get for me?
Husband: Variable not found
Wife: What about your salary?
Husband: File in use, try again later...
Wife: At least give me your credit card, I want to buy something?
Husband: Sharing Violation...Access Denied
Wife: Do you really love me?! Or love this stupid computer of yours? or trying to be damn funny?
Husband: Too many parameters
Wife (Gone really mad): It was a huge mistake that I married a crazy person like you!
Husband: Data Type Mismatch
Wife (Now is completely crazy): There's no use talking to you
Husband: It's by default
Wife (Screaming): CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT I REPRESENT TO YOU EXACTLY?
Husband: Unknown Bug

True telephone conversations recorded from various Help Desks around the U.S.

Each #) is serarate from the other

1) Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

2) Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk.... sorry.

3)Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

4)Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!

5)Customer: Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

6)Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: No.

7)Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

8)Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's
happening.

9)Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 feet away.
Customer: OK.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

10)Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

11)A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

12)Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

13)Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

14)Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?

15)Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

Sex in the dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figures she would break him of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device...
A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids."

Italian Girl

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!'

You Can't Fool Lebanese Mom

Madame Khoury comes to have dinner at her son Zouzou, who lives with a girl roomate, Salma
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty the roommate was, and started to wonder if there was more between Zouzou and his roommate.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Zouzou volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Salma and I are just roommates. About a week later, Salma came to Zouzou saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it , do you?" Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure . So he sat down and wrote . Dear Mother I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner . Love,>>Zouzou

Several days later, zouzou received an email from his mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Salma, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now Love, Mom
Which leads to prouve: YOU SIMPLY CANNOT FOOL A LEBANESE MOM>>

Smart Space Sun Project

A foreign government announce a space project about going to the sun.
The american and frensh government were shocked. how can they do such thing.
they sent their representatives to that country to find out exactly what syrians are planing to do.
during the meeting the frensh and american representatives asked the government representative. how are you going to do that?
with all the technology we have we coulden't find a way to get close to the sun.
The whole gouverment start laughing and the prime minister stood and said:
"you *****s we're going at night not during the day"

What time is it ?

Dump: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
Dump: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the wierdest
thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get
a different answer."

A Dump searching the dictionary

A Dump was searching the dictionary for the word "Dictionary".

He found this meaning : "Dictionary is the thing you are holding, stupid....."

Wondering what the definition of stupid was,

he searched for the Word stupid, and found : "Is that you again ??!?"

Dump in her daughter's room

A Dump found cigarettes in daughter’s room, said: oh God! She smokes!
Then found rum, said: oh God! She drinks.
Then he found condoms,said: oh god she has penis !!

Dump in the hotel

A Dump booked a room in a hotel
The hotel employee carried the bags and asked to take him to the room.
Once the door is opened,
The homsi stopped, shook his head and said to the employee:
"Listen its true that I'm a stranger to this country but this doesn't mean that you fool me and laugh at me,
I've paid over $100 for renting a nice room. This room is too small, has no window, no bathroom and
it also contains no bed...!
The hotel employee politely said: "I'm sorry sir.
This is not your room, this is the elevator...

[PlayaFoSho]

thats funny as hell

[niktendo]

haha yesssir =D good jokes man =D

[Bex]

Wooooooot for jokes



Keep em coming

[Lighthealer]

LOL. I really laughed until my eyes nearly got water drops too. Nice Jokes = Claps..

[Snuggle Bunny]

lol great jokes

[Deadlygrrl]

Hahaahahaha I love those jokes! Especially about the vibrator and kids! Hilarious!